Grief Is Love With Nowhere To Go

I found that grief is like the waves in the ocean, they come and go as they please, you never know when one might come in roaring, or sneak up on you when you least expect it. Everyone who has lost says Grief does get better over time- it was hard for me to hear that at first as I didn’t believe it, but now that 18 months have passed, I can say it does get better.  The grief Is still there, I still cry, I still ask a lot of questions of why , I still get angry, I say things I wish I had kept to myself, but over time I learned how to cope with it, how to shape my new life around it.

Grief is overwhelming, it’s demanding, it can take over your life, if you let it. I told myself I was going to treat myself with kindness, with love and grace. I told myself “don’t hold it in, feel it when it overcomes you, be okay to cry in front of people, don’t be afraid to tell someone how you feel, it’s okay not to be okay, because it’s all part of the process.

After losing Remedi I changed, I was no longer the Tara I once knew myself to be. I wasn’t the happy go lucky girl, the girl who always had a smile on her face. I was a changed person and I was not okay with it. I couldn’t find my old self because she left with my daughter, my life as I knew it had changed. It was hard to look in the mirror, I didn’t like the pale face, swollen teary eyes, the frown, the unpleasant over all look on my face. It was as if my whole body was no longer my body. I had to find a way to pick myself up.

I was so thankful I had a wonderful boyfriend who loved me unconditionally, who supported me, cried with me, mourned with me. I knew he was hurting just as much as I was. I knew he saw a lot more pain and suffering than I did. I knew we both were changed and I had faith we would come out of this on the other side, better people and a stronger couple. I am blessed to have him in my life and I know Remedi is too. She would have been such a daddy’s girl. I know his love for her was more than we could have imagined. Our love for each other would conquer all the challenges we would face together. We were not going to let this trauma change our relationship, although for the better it made us a better couple, strong and loving.

I am also thankful for my amazing family, gosh I don’t know what we would have done without them. The day Remedi was born my mom booked a plane without any hesitation and came to be by our sides not knowing the outcome she would come into. She was strong for us, she lifted us up as best she could, she is GiGi, and I know she wouldn’t have missed being there by our sides. She stayed in the hospital with us, supporting us anyway she could but I knew she was hurting so badly. She was already the best GiGi a grandbaby could have asked for, she was so excited just like us as first time parents. It was hard to see how much pain she was in. It’s when reality hit that this was real life now. We were all faced with this unexpected trauma that we all had to maneuver through this new life of grief.

My brother who I consider one of my closest friends was there grieving with us as we said goodbye to Remedi. I will never get those images out of my mind, seeing him holding his niece knowing she wasn’t coming home. It is heartbreaking, it’s awful, it’s not fair. My dad and sister flew in as soon as they could, by the time they came into town we were home from the hospital. That interaction was heart shattering, seeing my dad speechless and bawling with us, still breaks my heart into pieces. My sister who I always looked up to was just broken. We embraced and cried and cried. No words could describe how cold our living room was. It was just dark, but this feeling of love came over us and I knew we all needed each other. We needed to be strong, we needed to embrace each other, we needed to support each other and we did just that.

Dillons family was just as supportive, they came to say goodbye to our sweet Remedi, all grieving this tremendous loss. It was life changing and we were just not ready for this situation. They embraced us and prayed over us, doing whatever they could to help us.

A big thank you to all our family members will never be enough but I know that each one of them knows how much we love and appreciated everything they did for us during the months and year of grieving.

To our friends- we know you were there for us, when you may not have known what to say, you prayed for us, sent us cards and messages, food and love from afar. I personally don’t know what I would have done if someone I knew and loved lost a child, but I know you did your best. What do you say besides I’m so sorry? There really isn’t anything that can fix a broken heart but we love y’all for everything you did to support us, and just be there in general for us.

The Aftermath

The months after Remedi left us got lighter, we tried to pick ourselves up and get out of the house. It was hard to be in such a quiet house when you were expecting to have a lot of noise. Wishing to hear a crying baby or the swing rocking back and forth playing classical music, the smelly diapers, the breast pump sounds, the overall loudness of having a newborn in the house. It was hard not to hear those things we expected to have after giving birth to a beautiful girl. But we came home empty, emotionally drained and heartbroken. We finally found the strength to leave the house, to get fresh air, to look into the sky and think of our beautiful angel. We prayed for strength and she gave us that. Over time we found ourselves surrounded by more love than we could possibly think of, our family and friends picked us up when we were down and we are just so thankful for them.

When I say time does heal, it does, slowly but surely we did begin to heal. We know Remedi played a big part in that. We know Remedi came into our lives for a reason, for a bigger purpose and we are still figuring what that is with each day that passes. I know one thing is for sure, she shows herself every chance she can and we know she is always near, protecting us, guiding us, loving us and for that we are thankful for her.